11 April 2009
Police today were bewildered and confused at the desecration of one of Britain's most loved and admired monuments, in a random act of mutilation the Cerne Abbas Giant’s penis was stolen (that’s easy for you to say) it was later recovered by mounted police from the rooftop of a Berkshire mansion in one of the hardest operations they have handled to date.
We’ve got no idea as to how this happened said Chief Inspector Herman Gelmet of the Phallus Squad, they must have used a chainsaw and a trailer, the villagers are saying nothing and we haven’t got anything to go with either. Police are dusting the knob from the gate for fingerprints. Must have been an Ifor Williams trailer, they are the only brand that could handle such a monster.
Police were later tipped off by a chap who wanted to remain anonymous, their investigations led them to the Berkshire Mansion where sniffer dogs were used to locate the missing phallus.
Police scaled the gable end of the enormous mansion with the aid of the local fire brigade, the phallus was yanked through the bedroom and shoved out the front passage and then slipped into a container, shipping company Norbert Dentressangle were more than happy to return the old chap to his proper home.