up_th_creekNOW I AM going to need an awful lot of help and support with this one but I know that the good people of this town will come flooding forward with offers when they hear of my forthcoming adventure.

In the true spirit of exploration and adventure I intend to set off on an expedition to discover and map the source of the River Simene. I can hear your gasps of amazement even as I write the words but for the sake of knowledge for the sake of our children and for the sake of generations, as yet, unborn it simply has to be done.

Man has always felt the need to discover the unknown and cross the boundaries that others considered unbreakable, I am, I believe, such a man. Hence my undertaking which, I know carries huge risks, but also carries huge opportunities for those who will back the risky endeavour.

I shall set off from a point just north of the weir where the Rivers Brit and Asker meet. Just by the brewery. I trust the staff will give us a hearty send-off and, perhaps, a glass or two of something to sustain us on the first stage of our perilous journey.

Stout-Hearted Men Wanted

I say us since this sort of thing requires a party of stout-hearted men. There will be me, of course, a team of bearers to carry our boat and equipment at times when overland porterage becomes necessary, cooks for our overnight camps, a valet, I think a man should always look his best when undertaking this sort of thing, a navigator and a reporter to record our fearless adventures for posterity. At this stage I don’t plan to take a gun-bearer but will follow advice once I have held a meeting with the District Commissioners for Broadoak and Shave Cross, So that means three or four boats, flat-bottomed would probably be ideal, any offers with those?

Paddle Towards Destiny

black_beard_symondsburyThen there will be our camping and cooking gear as well as a ready supply of cheap but shining trinkets to offer, possibly, hostile natives once we get into the uncharted waters to the north of Symondsbury as well as the notorious river pirates of that village.

We shall paddle away from the brewery with heavy hearts but high spirits. On we will press to the confluence of the Bride and Simene behind Arrowfield. There we turn left, or port, enter the Simene and onwards towards our destiny.

Our first overnight stop will be beside the bridge on West Road. On day two we shall forge ahead to towards our final destination and our own fate, whatever that might be.

Join Us

Just the thought of it makes my heart beat faster. Can you help? Will you join us? This could be Bridport’s finest hour. The spirit of adventure and exploration revived and all in our very own town. Doesn’t it make you proud to be British and a son of Bridport? Onward, I say, ever onward!

The Red Bladder


#1 LobbyTerry Lunt 12-11-2011 00:18
An injection is available to ward against Symondsbury Swine Fever but is not recognized by the NHS unfortunately
#2 LadyMaddie Grigg 12-11-2011 15:04
I would like to be the reporter to document this intrepid adventure. Although my gender may be against me, I am a hard worker, stronger than I look and have a big bushy stick-on beard and a large pair of galoshes. I should like, if we reach Teirra del Broadoak, to pick up a little native boy to take home and civilise. Captain Fitzroy, of The Beagle, had mixed results when he tried something similar so I would like to finish what he started. I will call this child Jemmy Bladder in your honour.
#3 ProgressThe Red Bladder 14-11-2011 15:32
My dear old pal Lobby has hit a nail well-and-truly on the napper. We shall be in need of a sawbones for the journey. Not to take one would needlessly imperil the lives of my intrepid assistants.I must admit that my first reaction to Maddie Grigg's offer was to quote Oliver Letwin, or was it Clark Gable, I always get those two confused, and say "the River Simene is no place for a woman. However on reflection I realise that having a filly around would brighten the place up a bit and could well perk-up some of the younger members of our party. You would have to understand though, in view of your loathsome trade, that you would be well below the salt at dinner. Your idea of a lad is excellent I am led to believe that there is an abundance of savages in Broadoak so one less would go without notice. It would also do him good to be raised in a locality free of those vile public houses that are such a blight on our society!Progress is being made - nothing can stop us now
#4 ExplorerAde 16-11-2011 11:32
I'm a seasoned traveller and have a wealth of experience in bearing! Also have a flat bottom plastic boat and a pair of hoars. I would be a great asset to the team as my recent trip to Chernobyl means I now glow in the dark.
#5 RE: The Red Bladder's Fearless ExploitRoy Fursman 17-11-2011 14:04
When do you and your brave party of explorers expect to begin your perilous journey? I would like to be at the start with my box Brownie to record your departure.
#6 RE: The Red Bladder's Fearless ExploitThe Red Bladder 18-11-2011 11:54
The excitement around town is now nearing fever pitch. Many of the team members are in eager preparation and the boats are all being taken care of. Needles to say not a word of encouragement or support from the council. You shall know - it will be a gala occasion!
#7 ApplicationCaptain Tufty 19-11-2011 17:55
Sir, I am applying, with great hope, to join your intrepid crew.
My contribution to this exceptional adventure would be TWO-FOLD!
FIRSTLY - Should the going get tough-the Tufty gets going.
Sustenance for up to four stout men would be provided by the critters that permanently nest in my beard, along with drips and dribbles which would produce a fine hearty soup.
SECONDLY- My impeccable sense of direction could save us all a lot of meandering. I am perfectly familiar with the whole concept of port, starboard, left, right AND up and down. I have even been able to return from cod bank to west bay harbour using only my accute sense of smell.
THIRDLY- My banjaloolie playing would provide adequate to poor tuneage to keep the campfires burning till well after bedtime, thus providing our expedition with traditional sleep deprivation.
Should my application be accepted I will paddle or march onward with a brave heart.
If not I will go back to bed.
best regards,your friend and mine,
Captain Tufty.
#8 TuftyThe Red Bladder 21-11-2011 14:36
My dear chap you sound exactly the sort of stalwart we need I would be honoured to have you along on our exciting, yet hazardous, mission.
Ps I trust your head is not of the type that will shrink you easily - after all, you never know!
#9 Voyage to heart of Simene darknessHugo von Boltzen 30-11-2011 19:53
The Red Bladder is suggesting what sounds a ripping wheeze. I am experienced in river paddling, mud skippering, coastal and estuary slithering and can lay me hand on flat bottomed craft...
Downside is habit of playing melodeon and singing daft songs but can be kept quiet with distractions.
When do we slip our moorings?
von Boltzen
#10 When do you leave?Hugo von Boltzen 30-11-2011 20:04
I tried to post before, I be a river and estuary mud skipper, fond of a sail, glad to wield an oar, can bring a boat and certainly want to mkow more.
When do ye plan to leave Capn Bladder?
von Boltzen
#11 Missing in action?andy head 05-11-2012 15:25
I notice it almost a year since this expedition was planing to set sail. Has anyone heard from them since? Is it possible that they have been captured by natives or succumbed to Symenery fever?
Update please...

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