17 April 2012
TFL and The Mayor of London Boris Johnson jointly announce plans to add the South West town of Bridport to the Underground rail network.
In recent research it was discovered that considering 75% of westbound traffic in the lead-up to various weekends and school holidays throughout the year was destined for Bridport, the addition of Bridport to the network was a “no brainer”.
Johnson said “With Bridport known widely as ‘Notting Hill-On-Sea’ and the its infamous market the ‘Portabello of the South’ it only make sense that Londoners are able to gain access to this sea-side getaway with the use of their Oyster card. We’ll be keeping a close eye on the traffic reduction achieved by this project and if possible will aim to Narrow the M3 down to a single lane. This is a landmark project and I hope you’ll join myself, Londoners and the fortunate yet dwindling local population Bridport in celebrating this exciting new venture.”
A local business owner who wished to remain anonymous commented “It’s a brilliant idea. We’ve got all these empty houses lying about that need buying up and looking after by some fat-walleted, Boden-Clad Chelsea nuclear families. Will be good to see more and more local people just house sharing or living in make-shift “studios”, as really that’s what we all prefer. I’ve personally been waiting for years for prices to go up in all our shops because getting a good deal for local, sustainable produce is just unexciting really. Live on the edge of financial deprivation, that’s what I say!”
Badly Rinsed Bridport Genetics
Genetics and demographics expert Elkson-Von-Benderheim has concerns “There will be a risk that rather than the Bridport gene pool diversifying with this intravenous shot of culture from the capital, it is possible (based on promiscuity levels in Bridport) that deprived and badly rinsed Bridport genetics could spread back up the tube to London. I predict in less than 3 generations the entire population of Fulham could be strong-armed and thick-headed.”
Café Bar Owner who cannot be named due to a history of service in MI6, Marconi, the SAS, Anonymous, and Pablo Escobar’s “The Extraditables”, fears for loss of trade. “The trouble with Londoners is, they don’t appreciate the smell of good Dorset urine, Lynx and stale lager whilst enjoying a cocktail thrown together by a smashed teenage barman. I’m not sure where they’re going to go to be honest. Actually I can think of one place, but I wouldn’t set foot in there if it was the last place on earth.”
A time table of closures is soon to be published, that will detail the disruption to roads during the excavation. In summary, the following routes will be closed and diverted for up to 12 months. A316, M25, M3, A3, M27, A303, A35 and A31.
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