The price of a pint is set to rise again – by at least 6p. Molson Coors – offering the likes of Carling, Coors Light and Cobra – plans its increase for the following week. Director Simon Kerry said:

"We continue to take the long-term view, investing to deliver great customer service and well-supported beer brands."

The Skimmity Hitchers put this quote through the Google translator and came out with this:

Corporate cadaver Simon Kerry vomited:

"In our relentlessly marketed drive for short-term profit at the expense of customer satisfaction and quality beverages with depth, flavour and soul, putting up the price is something we are constantly looking to implement. And let's face it, if people are stupid enough to drink this bland, fizzy, generic shite then they probably can't be trusted with money anyway."

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