05 December 2014
Hipster Beards and Cappuccino Coffees Implicated In New MRSA Pandemic
It has been revealed in the December edition of posh BMA journal that the trendy face hair worn by "Hipsters" to hide behind is responsible for the latest outbreak of superbug MRSA in Dorsetshire.
Dr Charalambous Beardipopolous talking via Skype from his office at the BRA (Beard Research Academy) is an expert in beard related transmittable diseases has suggested that froth from cappuccino style coffees drunk on pavement cafes is the perfect breeding ground for the superbug.
Dr Beardipopolous went on to say:
"καλημέρα , im πραγματικά ανησυχούν για αυτή τη μαλακία εξάπλωση , αυτές οι hipsters είναι σωστή βρώμικα μαλάκες και χρειάζονται γυρίσματα"
The MRSA virus is a virulent little fella and can disguise itself as any of the 63,000 different coffee types available on the high street, including 'soy latte GMO free Nigerian decaff', it attaches itself to the host beard and is then transported to the hand via vigorous, ponderous beard stroking and passed between fellow hipsters via the 'fist bump' (a new fangled style of handshake which involves forming a fist and pressing against the host fist using varying degrees of pressure depending on mood: soft for a morning hello and a powerful thwack for a bit of a result).
Shave your bloody beard you weirdo.
Hipster beards may take 18 years to grow, if you spot bumfluff on your partners face (men and ladies) please call Bridport Police Coppers on 101, although 101 is a non emergency number we think beard MRSA is a deadly epidemic waiting to epideime (made up word).
Dr Denzle Hoochieman, TVAM Skilling.
Have you been infected by a hipster? Please use the comment form below to tell us your horror stories.