Hipster Beards and Cappuccino Coffees Implicated In New MRSA Pandemic

hipster-coffeeIt has been revealed in the December edition of posh BMA journal that the trendy face hair worn by "Hipsters" to hide behind is responsible for the latest outbreak of superbug MRSA in Dorsetshire.

Dr Charalambous Beardipopolous talking via Skype from his office at the BRA (Beard Research Academy) is an expert in beard related transmittable diseases has suggested that froth from cappuccino style coffees drunk on pavement cafes is the perfect breeding ground for the superbug.


Dr Beardipopolous went on to say:

"καλημέρα , im πραγματικά ανησυχούν για αυτή τη μαλακία εξάπλωση , αυτές οι hipsters είναι σωστή βρώμικα μαλάκες και χρειάζονται γυρίσματα"


beard-cancerThe MRSA virus is a virulent little fella and can disguise itself as any of the 63,000 different coffee types available on the high street, including 'soy latte GMO free Nigerian decaff', it attaches itself to the host beard and is then transported to the hand via vigorous, ponderous beard stroking and passed between fellow hipsters via the 'fist bump' (a new fangled style of handshake which involves forming a fist and pressing against the host fist using varying degrees of pressure depending on mood: soft for a morning hello and a powerful thwack for a bit of a result).


Shave your bloody beard you weirdo.


Hipster beards may take 18 years to grow, if you spot bumfluff on your partners face (men and ladies) please call Bridport Police Coppers on 101, although 101 is a non emergency number we think beard MRSA is a deadly epidemic waiting to epideime (made up word).

Dr Denzle Hoochieman, TVAM Skilling.

Have you been infected by a hipster? Please use the comment form below to tell us your horror stories.


#1 Worriedchickenboy 05-12-2014 12:26
I have a beard. I have had one since before I had children. I maintain it regularly and keep it trim, if I shave it makes my children cry. I don't have any tattoos and I loath skinny jeans although I do have two plaid shirts and I only drink real coffee, and own a iphone.

Am I at risk or a risk to others?


Chickenboy, Evershot
#2 MDDr Charalambous Beardipopolous 06-12-2014 08:19
Of course you are not risky, you are not hipster? Do you have single speed bike with orange tyres?
#3 Also worriedPhil 16-01-2015 12:58

I live in Symondsbury, and until recently it's been fine. The only beards here were long, unkempt and mrsa free.
Recently, however, a new café was set up by the estate, as well as an antiques barn. They both seem to be attracting the beards you refer to. For example, to the detriment of flavour, the burger served by the cafe is loaded with coriander seed, presumably in order to give it some sort of status. I'm worried this sort of irresponsible catering is going to attract even more beardy hipsters - perhaps even 'foodies'?
I don't have a beard. But I sometimes have stubble that grows quite long - probably long enough to be considered a beard infant. Should I be worried about the invading non-locals?
#4 DrMD — Dr Charalambous Beardipop 21-01-2015 04:55
I think you need Trip Advisor.
#5 MsSylvia Pitcher 01-04-2015 19:47
You aren't going to catch me out again with your April Fool beards story

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