And what’s wrong now, apart from the usual everything? I’ll tell you: pubs, that’s what. Pubs smell. Now they no longer have a fog of cigarette smoke drifting about they smell of everything else that happens in them … so beer, the farts that inevitably follow the consumption of beer, food, bins, customers. Not all customers smell, of course, or indeed fart but without the fags to coat everyone in a uniform smokiness our individual odour has prevailed, plus the beer, bins etc.
Some people might think this is preferable. I’m not one of them and I’m guessing it’s a pretty safe bet that the idiots who are now complaining about stinky pubs are the very same bunch who thought it was a great idea to ban smoking and make everyone stand outside on the pavement … or worse still in one of those purpose-built smoking shacks that were hastily erected by kindly landlords, accurately anticipating a sharp fall in trade following yet another misguided directive from our worthless elected members.
I recall certain non-smoking friends gleefully announcing that they’d be going to the pub much more frequently once the fags had been done away with … well, no. It simply hasn’t happened, as it turns out. I never thought it would, mainly because they never went in the first place. And even if they were prepared to make the effort, just to prove that they’re now prepared to make the effort, there’s no one for them to talk to any more. They’re all outside on the pavement, having a cig in the rain. And if the non-smokers go and stand outside too, hoping for a bit of witty banter or whatever there’ll be no one left inside at all, so no one to complain about the smell. Or the smoke. Anyway, as a direct result of this lunacy pubs are closing at a rate of approximately 72 every five minutes so soon there’ll be none of them left either, stinky or not.
And the point of this was … um …
Can’t we make up our own minds how to go on?
But wait … I see yet another brilliant money making opportunity here: cans of ambient smoke! Like Glade or that other stuff that gives your kids allergies but smoke flavoured! And for bigger establishments, an automated box of smoke … think box of wine … concealed under a bench in a corner somewhere, that can be set to exhale at the landlord’s discretion for a genuine authentic olde worlde pub-style experience. And I could name this fabulously unnecessary product … Nostalgique! Brilliant!
Or perhaps the government could revoke the ban and try in future to concentrate their efforts on slightly more important stuff.
Now that’s probably a better idea.
Top tip for this week: if you suspect there’s a rat in your kitchen, you should try taking the rubbish out more often.
Arlo Flinn, Writer of Wrongs
I think the smoking ban is fantastic. I will personally happily snipe anyone I find in my scope outside any public hose having a crafty fag. All I ask is that any somers who visit the Greyhound stand well back in Bucky Doo so I can get them in my line of sight.
so glad to see flin is not again promoting sales of book in lengthy speech…. But as for Pipidrelle hardly any need for a gun on this one, a pea shooter would do the job, unless he has contract with NHS? how will we ever know?