A lost letter to the Harbour Master of Bridehaven (now known as West Bay) has recently been found in the turnup of Postman Tony Simpsons shorts where it has languished for the past 8 years. People may remember the Harbour Master as Nick Berry who went on to a rather appalling musical career. The contents of the letter are from Wilf Turnbull, who offers some sound advice to the crooning copper.
Dear Mr. Nick Berry
I regret that your recent uplifting ballad "Every Loser Wins" concerns me rather profoundly. I initially assumed a serious typographical error in your lyric; however, your vocal delivery confirmed that a facile self-contradiction had indeed occurred. Your words will no doubt come as a surprise to those in the sporting community; surely "Every Loser Loses" was your intended message!
I am afraid that this has somewhat compromised your previous claim, made with your cohorts (TV's Letitia Dean, "Kelvin" et al), to the effect that you were "gonna make something out of nothing". I must admit that I was initially impressed and intrigued by your intention to actually create matter, thus redefining the accepted laws of physics; however, it is difficult to seriously entertain such a notion in view of the blatant oxymoron outlined above.
On a more positive note, my wife and I very much enjoy your portrayal of PC Nick Rowan in ITV's excellent series "Heartbeat". We particularly appreciate the challenge of the "whodunnit" nature of the format, and last Sunday successfully deduced that the perpetrator of the crime was the shifty-looking character appearing in that episode only. I believe that "Harbour Lights" is equally impressive, although for some reason my wife considers it a little derivative. I might suggest, for your next character, "Nick Blackcurrant", a warm-hearted yet highly principled traffic warden, based in a picturesque small town.
In view of the above points, Mr Berry, please concentrate on the facts in future, in order to avoid alienating your remaining admirers.
Yours
Wilf Turnbull
More like this at www.wilfturnbull.co.uk
Whatever happened to the HM’s RIB which inexplicably disappeared about same time did Lieutenant Commander Nichols! Got something that belongs to Bridehaven have we NicoleArse?