COVERT CUPCAKES

Plans are afoot to trial a new range of prototype Cupcake Tracking Devices or ProCupTrakDevs as they are known in the murky darkness of the Spying and Counter Surveillance Industry. The trial centered on Bridport town Chavs will begin without fanfare, the undercover cupcakes will be given away free with every can of Red Bull or Tango to anyone wearing a hoodie or Burberry effect apparel.

How does it work?

The unsuspecting cake eating miscreant wolfs down the yummy delight and saliva sensing barbs pop out and lodge themselves in the delicate villi of the stomach wall lining causing the device to sit firmly within the purp.

Chav Nav

Once activated by the acids in the stomach the device transmits a low wattage signal to a tracking station located in a secret bunker on top of Colmers Hill a small concrete pillar disguises the entrance.

Here is a recently tracked Chav satellite footprint…

Tracking

We asked German tracking specialist Gert Lorst to give us a rundown of our little Chavvies route:
"If you look closely at ze map we can zee our cupcake tracker has picked up our little hooded friend at:"

• 10:00 AM  the Police station on Tannery Road
• 10:05 AM he enters the cafe for a couple of spins on the fruit machine and a cuppa, possibly a bacon sarnwich or the early starter,
• 10:30 AM then proceeds down West Street to
• 10:35 AM Scummerfields for a quart of Cider, the tracking becomes more difficult as he begins to zig zag along the road
• 10:50 AM popping into the Post Office to collect his Giro
• 10:55 AM Jag communications for a TMobile £10 top up (includes a 500 text bundle T’s & C’s apply)
• 11:00 AM Crosses road into Betting Shop for a £2 win no6 Dog at Walthamstow
• 11:15 AM Into Witherspoons for 3 x £1 pints, some wireless mobile roaming and a slash
• 12:30 PM Bucky Doo for a coffee to go from Get Stuffed
• 13:00 PM Still hanging with the homies at Bucky Doo
• 14:00 PM Getting tired now, tracking device detects decrease in walking speed
• 14:20 PM South Street to check the lead on the church roof, no luck, some other chav has had it
• 14:40 PM Bucky Doo to gather up the Homies and go South down South Street
• 14:50 PM Folly Mill lane
• 15:00 PM The Bogs at King Street to score some gear
• 15:05 PM Chips at Longs, plenty of salt
• 15:15 PM Gear kicks in, begins to walk erratically along East Street
• 15:30 PM Blockbuster, rents Call of Duty4 for Xbox360 (easily the best gaming platform)
• 15:50 PM Heads for Rax Lane in an intoxicated way bizarrely his route giving the outline of a cupcake
• 16:30 PM Vomits heavily on floor, tracking device signal gives out.
• 16:31 PM Device begins to accelerate to 25MPH, we can only assume a dog has cleaned up after our friend…

Like to Think

We like to think that this device together with iris scanning, i.d. cards, DNA, fingerprinting, CCTV, voice recognition and breath sampling can only improve our lives in this terribly crime ridden country.

Sleep tight.

Denzelpob (shaw taylor) McSweeney Da Na Naaaarr Da Na Naaaaarrrrrr……….