HOME IMPROVEMENTS

There are many areas of the town in need of “improvement” perhaps we should apply for planning for some of these:

The Coach Park – is undoubtedly designed to keep tourist scum on their filthy coaches. The derelict buildings, the police station, the prison-like bus depot – it’s all key to giving the impression that in Bridport, you’re more likely to get mugged by a bunch of loitering chavs, than be invited to a private view. That is EXACTLY what we want them to think! In an effort to improve this effect, we should spray slurry over the area twice weekly throughout the summer.

The Hair House – opposite Texaco. It’s been closed for 10 years and it is just rotting! If we’d planted creeping Ivy infront of it back then, it’d be a big green blob by now – anyway – I expect The Bat squats in there now, sleeping with his sniper’s rifle.

Sea Road – how bloody ugly is Sea Road eh? A nasty lego-style brickwall along the whole length on one side and a dog-crap-filled stretch of wasteland on the other (probably protected as a nature reserve – pah!). What Sea Road needs is a series of large TFT screens at regular intervals along the pavement that show nothing but scenes of running water, followed by a very successful row of pay-to-use portaloos. It’ll be a winner with all those traffic jams in the summer! IT WAS MY IDEA FIRST YOU BUGGERS!

South Street – Not the pretty top bit, but that bit between Palmers and Castle square. The whole lot needs to be levelled and replaced by some houses that people can afford to buy – that aren’t tucked away in some crabby featureless housing estate. Jewsons, The Tile Centre, that weird old garage that isn’t really a garage anymore, the useless bloody refuse tip, the old Fishermans Arms – and that restaurant that has changed it’s name 20 times in 5 years. What is it with that? It isn’t the NAME of the place that stops people going there, it’s that’s it’s in the arse end of nowhere opposite a bloody supermarket. Look at Hardy’s! Opposite supermarket – failing dump, Chinese Palace/Emperor’s Arse whatever it’s called now, opposite supermarket – failing dump. See the pattern?

Bucky Doo – You can’t walk across it for bloody memorial benches. It’s like a bloody cemetary. Shadowed by the hideous pink monster of an Arts Centre, and fumed by the peroxide seeping out from the horde of hairdressers within firing range – it’s simply over-crowded. Too much crap going on in such a small area. If I had my way, I’d scrap the square all together and widen the road. It’s a Pseudo square. Why not build a decent square? Why not narrow the pavements? Get those pesky market traders fighting for their lives in 3 lanes of traffic! Who cares – they’re all from Dorchester anyway…swines.

Anyone else have any more suggestions?