The views of West Dorset are fading fast according to the renowned “Dorset Vista Loving Association” (DVLA). Gabriel Wildoak, a notorious “eco worrier” and chairman of DVLA, said toda:
“that with so many of them there grockles coming down here with their fancy ways and looking at all our views, they are starting to wear out. If you stand up on Eggardon and look to the west there is a definate blurring of the edges of the view and on some rainy days you can hardly see Pilsdon at all”.
Fading Fast
Some reports suggest that many of the local views are fading so fast that soon you will be unable to see them at all. It is suggested (by the DVLA) to limit “visitors, passers by, grockles, incomers and outsiders” views to a few strategic “view points” and any non local that is caught looking at stuff from outside of these areas could be fined, beaten and lynched.
Sneaky Peak
The A35 main artery road is to be fenced from Dorchester to Hunters Lodge with a 5 meter high laplock fence to prevent passers-by from seeing things, and a recruiting drive is under way by DVLA to employ a crack team of View Police who will be given unlimited powers to confiscate property, money and vehicles of “view offenders”. These far reaching powers will also include permission to administer indiscriminate beatings and encouraging mob lynching’s to those who think they are clever enough to “catch a sneaky peek” without being caught.
The DVLA are encouraging “locals” to report anyone who looks like they have been looking at our views or anyone who has that “not from round here” way about them and may have allowed their eyes stray “over the fence” .
Big Nut
Gabriel Wildoak said “I’d rather not be named in your article” and went on to postulate “It takes a big nut to crack a small hammer but it is time to put our foot down with a firm hand. Lets all look out for those who look like they might have been looking with their eyes.”
Please submit your CV below and a brief description of why you would like to be considered for a position and any areas where views should be restricted.
Gabriel Wildoak. (Eco Worrier)
CV Sex: Male Age: Yes About me: Dorset Born n bred, fit(well I can walk!), Socialist except when they want something from me or they are Groccles. Why me?: I’ve been worrying all day why I can no longer see Allington Hill from my bedroom window, it happened over-night AND I’m always willing to help out a lost Groccle by sending them in the wrong direction and reminding them to secure their car doors whilst driving through town; I wave them off with a smile and say “”lock it or lose it””.
I suggest blinkers for drivers especially along the coast road, if I’m driving like a stripe assed ape trying to get airborne of the lumps and bumps in the road I can well do without some dawdler going “”oo look a tree”” same with Askers – buy a postcard and mind where you’re going! There were so many people looking at that wonderful view over the bank holiday that when I looked at it last night it was completely black. Well at least the soon to be ousted artists on the st Michaels estate can be put to work repainting it all…
I could possibly pick a few more visitors off from the bell tower. Although I am still stalking that bloke who parks his white van on the traffic lights outside the town hall on market days, completely obscuring the view of traffic lights to motorists, and thereby creating a death trap for motorists and pedestrians alike. What are the council doing letting a pitch in such a dangerous position??
MPD
This is ill thought-through and totally counter-productive. Look how many people flock to visit that bloody gurt wall in China…