There’s a problem with drugs, not just the usual problems but a whole new world of complications. You may have noted that some government advisory bloke was let go this week for trying to tell our worthless elected members that riding a horse is more dangerous than taking ecstasy.
I say, it depends on the horse. Some horses are very dangerous indeed and some are so pedestrian you wonder why you bothered getting on them in the first place. It’s an individual choice: what kind of experience do you want? Unfortunately with horses it’s only after you’re sitting on them that you discover just how dangerous they are and by then it’s too late to change your mind. This can be the same with drugs, of course, which might’ve been where he was going with his advice ie it’s only after you’ve ingested them that you begin to seriously regret your actions, but then we all know that anyway, including everyone who’s never been anywhere near a horse.
Horses and Ecstacy
I suppose he was trying to be helpful with his comparisons but maybe all he’s managed to do is cause even more confusion: what about the dangers of combining horses and ecstasy? Or horses and alcohol? No, that happens all the time but it did make me wonder about the true role of the joint masters of the Cattistock hunt: what have they really got stuffed under their hard hats? Dreadlocks and a couple of pre-rolled spliffs? And they do spend quite a lot of time going off on their own (looking for hounds/foxes/whatever) rather like the tooters of cocaine (got a weak bladder/no signal/whatever). It’s all a bit of a muddle …
But never mind. Perhaps the sacked advisor could set up an independent advisory service, on-line or somewhere, advising us on how to spot tell-tale signs of homicidal horses or dodgy deals. Oddly, horse dealers are possibly the dodgiest bunch of people I’ve ever had the misfortune to do business with. Now I’m really confused …
Ajax, baking powder and dog wormer
What is clear is that I’m happy to concede that I’ve always been rather fond of drugs myself, especially alcohol and tobacco (see my fabulous novel Thank you for not Smoking ), which tend to run concurrently and then caffeine with lots of deadly sugar and pain-killers, which happen after. But I am also inordinately fond of horses, despite many brushes with death when in their company, so I’m not at all sure where this leaves the debate … except that a Blue Peter presenter was once sacked for giving out a recipe for cocaine: mix together equal quantities of Ajax, baking powder and dog wormer and gift-wrap it for your parents for Christmas! Or sell it to your friends! And as far as I know, no Blue Peter presenter was ever sacked for riding a horse.
Who knows how to go on?
Best of luck.
Arlo Flinn: Writer of Wrongs
