Bucky Doo
All the news we make up as we go along! What Speakers Corner is to London – Bucky Doo Square is to Bridport Radio.
If you have a story for Bridport Radio, or would like to leave comments on articles. please contact us.
Crab Exorcism
12th January 2010 Blessing of the Seas ceremony in Thanet: Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams; Archbishop Gregorios; and Roger Gale MP.
Swine Flu on the Cards
The nation is once again gripped by the threat of swine flu, and the cause? The Harmless Christmas card. Medical staff throughout The England and the other areas, especially Bridport, have issued urgent warnings on the risk of the spread of H1N1 swine flu virus from saliva on good old fashioned Christmas Cards and stamps, it is estimated that 400 million cards will be sent over the holiday period, 97.6% of those cards will have the old fashioned gummed envelopes, we all know you need a double lick for the gummed bit and another for the stamp.
Police Problems
Below is a letter received by Devon & Cornwall Police and forwarded to Bridport Radio.
Every Loser Wins
A lost letter to the Harbour Master of Bridehaven (now known as West Bay) has recently been found in the turnup of Postman Tony Simpsons shorts where it has languished for the past 8 years. People may remember the Harbour Master as Nick Berry who went on to a rather appalling musical career. The contents of the letter are from Wilf Turnbull, who offers some sound advice to the crooning copper.
Rat in the Kitchen
And what’s wrong now, apart from the usual everything? I’ll tell you: pubs, that’s what. Pubs smell. Now they no longer have a fog of cigarette smoke drifting about they smell of everything else that happens in them … so beer, the farts that inevitably follow the consumption of beer, food, bins, customers. Not all customers smell, of course, or indeed fart but without the fags to coat everyone in a uniform smokiness our individual odour has prevailed, plus the beer, bins etc.
Problem with Drugs
There’s a problem with drugs, not just the usual problems but a whole new world of complications. You may have noted that some government advisory bloke was let go this week for trying to tell our worthless elected members that riding a horse is more dangerous than taking ecstasy.
One Way Ticket
Yeah. It's me again. So what's wrong now? I'll tell you what, apart from everything: the weather, of course.
I know it's futile to complain about the weather but I'm going to anyway because I found myself thinking, this very cold, very wet and crap morning, if we have another Summer like last year I'm going to buy a one-way ticket for the holiday of a life-time in Switzerland. That kind of holiday. The holiday to end all holidays: check in and check out.
Writer of Wrongs II
And what's wrong now? I'll tell you what: old people are dying, that's what. Which they tend to do anyway, eventually, but now they're dying because of our government! It's true! I know this because I was told so by an old yet still very much alive woman I met in a shop. She was trying to buy food, like you do in a food shop, and she was finding it hard to interpret the sell-by date because it was written in an obscure location in miniscule print and she couldn't tell, she said, once she'd found it, what the *@$*± it said. Those weren't her actual words but it was what she meant.
Writer of Wrongs
And what's wrong this week?
I'll tell you what … apart from everything: the shock horror MP expenses swindle shock scandal is still running on and on and on with more totally unsurprising revelations being revealed every two and a half minutes. I say, who cares? I also say, could this be a smoke screen to cover some real news that the weepingly contrite government etc. doesn't want us to know about? And if so, what could it be? I also say, I hate rhetorical questions but don't you think they're just a little bit necessary? Sometimes?
Arlo Flinn Speaks
Hands up if you're bored stiff with the latest shocking revelations over MPs expenses. The only really surprising thing about it is that anyone is actually surprised. And no media types can seriously claim to be outraged and appalled: they've all known for ever what our democratically (ha ha) elected representatives are up to… heads in the trough, lads… and are happily cashing in themselves with weeks of totally predictable claptrap that they don't even have to get out of bed to write because they've all known all about it for ever. Allegedly. I say, sack the bloody lot of them and elect… um…
Esther for Bridport
Queen of the Jungle Esther Rantzen the famous lady from TV’s That’s Life is looking for a constituency to stand as an Independent Party Candidate campaigning for reforms in M.P.’s expenses. The recent embarrassing scandal to encompass the UK political scene has prompted the veteran TV sleb to jump on her high horse and get something done about the mess.
Where’s Willy?
Police today were bewildered and confused at the desecration of one of Britain’s most loved and admired monuments, in a random act of mutilation the Cerne Abbas Giant’s penis was stolen (that’s easy for you to say) it was later recovered by mounted police from the rooftop of a Berkshire mansion in one of the hardest operations they have handled to date.
CSI: BRIDPORT
SCENE 1
A man is found by a dog walker in a crop field, he has obviously been run over by a tractor as he is squashed across the middle and you can see the imprint of the the tractor tyre marks in what is left of his torso. There is an empty bottle of scrumpy lying by his side.
Pretty cut and shut case you might think…
SHAGGY SLUMDOG
In the spirit of our latest success at the oscars we at Bridport Radio are never far behind when it comes to … Read more…
COVERT CUPCAKES
Plans are afoot to trial a new range of prototype Cupcake Tracking Devices or ProCupTrakDevs as they are known in the murky darkness of the Spying and Counter Surveillance Industry. The trial centered on Bridport town Chavs will begin without fanfare, the undercover cupcakes will be given away free with every can of Red Bull or Tango to anyone wearing a hoodie or Burberry effect apparel.
CHRISTMAS COLLISION
Santa Hit by Plane in Mid-Air Collision, Ebay blamed for tragedy. In what seems to be a most bizarre event Santa Klause (aka Chris Pringle) collided with a Boeing 737 (400 series) at 30,000 feet over the North Atlantic during his regular present delivery run.
BNP TARGETED
BNP members 'targeted by threats'
BNP leader Nipper Griffin: 'We're disappointed'
Bridport Naturist Party members have told Bridport Radio News they have received threatening and abusive phone calls and e-mails after a leaked document was published online.
WHAT IN THE WIP WOP?
Your comments are invited on what was in the local press this week. To be able to leave comments you must first register – it is free, painless and legal between consenting adults in most civilised countries.
Here's one…
PIG FARMING
Our intrepid agricultural correspondent Duck It's Poo has found this letter recently sent to Secretary of State regards not pig farming in Dorset.
US ELECTIONS
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
A FLAG FOR BRIDPORT
The campaign and subsequent backlash for a flag for Dorset has prompted the more xenophobic members of our community to call for … Read more…
BRIDPORT ROCKETMAN
Bridport Town Hall: 5:45am 3rd October 2008
An incredible event took place recently in our beloved Bridport, a Rocketman took to the skies and broke the world record Town Hall to Colmers Hill speed record, previously held by Dave Carter in a Citroen Saxo VT with Halfords dump valve and fibre glass body kit. 45 year old Jake Kerplunksky of East Melplash was helped up the narrow flight of stairs leading to the clocktower by his team of technicians.
THE BIG BANGER
Colmers and Bridport Experiment Could End The World. At COSAUSTECH (Colmers Sausage Technology)- the largest centre of sausage technology and physics research in the world, will switch on the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and in the process begin arguably the most ambitious science experiment ever undertaken. This “Big Banger Machine” will recreate conditions just a billionth of a second after the big banger and in the process may answer some of the most profound questions about sausages and how it all began.
GOING FOR GOLD
Bridport Radio are proud to announce the “Find a Bridport Olympian Challenge 2012”
As you are well aware (unless you live in Cornwall) the 2012 Holympics are coming to a town near you, our challenge is to find a suitable candidate to represent Bridport at the games of the MMXII Olympiad. Remembering such sterling work contestants like Eddie the Eagle who finished last in the jump of a slope and crash skiing event in the winter competition once.
GET RUNNING
Now here is a scheme that could really put Bridport on the map and bring cartloads of money into the town. It is for a brand-new annual event – The Running of the Ferrets. Like all brilliant ideas it is very simple in its concept. The young men of the town, or those of them brave enough to face these fearsome creatures, gather at the mini roundabout at the bottom of West Street; at the starter’s signal they sprint, as though their very lives depended on it, up the hill towards the centre of the town. Seconds later hundreds of hungry and angry ferrets are released from their cages and immediately give chase to the eager, yet frightened, crowd of young men.
GROW YOUR OWN
With more and more people becoming aware of where there food comes from allotments and gardening have seen a resurgence in recent years, but people are not growing the staples of spuds and runners, they want something more exotic. Have a look what they got growing down the Buggersmuddle allotment.
LOOKING FOR LOVE?
The Bridport Radio personal classified ads have taken off recently, so if you are looking for someone special you might meet the thing of your dreams in the Classifieds…
Coffee Wars
With the coffee wars heating up in Bridders you won’t be able to turn round without getting foam from a skinnylartymockachino on your elbow or suffering a nasty graze from those biscotti (Italian for biscuit (which is French for dried cake)). Costa coffee have now joined the fray while Starbucks have had a setback to their bid to take over a nice family run concern in Bucky Doo Square after planners decided that it was more a trianglyoblong and would therefore have to re-zone it as set aside arable land.