Millions of Cockernee Londoners are expected to hit Dorsets World Heritage Coastline beaches in a mad dash for the materialistic junk feeding their lifestyles, yuppie essentials such as BMW engine spares, anti wrinkle face cream, disposable nappies, Tag Whore watches, Mikkimugs, Versace sunglasses and various other essentials are being spat out by the Sea, who doesn't need any of that rubbish.
Bucky Doo
All the news we make up as we go along! What Speakers Corner is to London – Bucky Doo Square is to Bridport Radio.
If you have a story for Bridport Radio, or would like to leave comments on articles. please contact us.
…AND ANOTHER THING 2
The first "…AND ANOTHER THING" page has spiraled out of control, so here's another page for all you grumpy old gits out there to fill … Read more…
test sale
Please note this is a test page and there is nothing to buy here, except our goodwill. cost £1.00
FUR FLIES IN PROTEST
Bridport has hit International headlines this week due to the alarming rise in the popularity of animal skin coats being worn out and about, the coats have been snapped convertly using the latest survaylances, Somerfields on West Street is a hot-spot for the gathering of aspirational types sporting this kind of gear, Celebrity Soccer Player David Beckham was seen trying on a red fur coat in top Bridport store Briddods, he was advised not to buy the coat to prevent hoards more people not really liking him, or his wife, Whatsername. Forfar 4 East Fife 5.
INTERNATIONAL MOOS
Many people are confused as to the machinations of corporate economics and yet global corporations can influence how countries are run and who runs them. The vast majority of people when confronted by something they understand tend to look the other way, put there fingers in their ears, duck under the duvet and go laa laa laa laa laa until; the problem goes away. Well now I have devised a complete guide to world economics, using cows as a model, that is so simple that even someone from Chard could understand it. Some may say it is "xenaphobic stereotyping" and others may say "no its a standard pitmans typing" To the some and the others I say "Give me $50 and I love you long time"
Submitted by Duck It's Poo (our socio-economic correspondent)
HOUSE WARMING
With reference to the lack of venue for the Bridport Radio party… Does anyone remember the Welsh practise of 'Holiday cottage burning', very popular in the 80's? (See bbc/wales) Given the relatively small number of properties burned to the ground, publicity for the 'Sons of Glyndwr's' direct-action resulted in some amazing 'results'. Destroying the holiday homes pushed the value and desirability of these 'investments' down. Who says the pen is mightier than the sword? How many letters, reports, or requests for affordable homes for local people have been acted upon?
LES TRES TRICYCLETTO
Have you seen Les Tres Tricycletto’s? Mysterious sightings of three full grown adults riding industrial size tricycles through Bridders at high speed have caused many pedestrians to dive into the nearest trimmed bush or retail outlet. The chaos has been compared to Hurricane Katarina in Americaland, and that other Hurricane in Chard where buildings were destroyed and lives disrupted, the repair bill hit a record $18.35
CRUIT FRAKE
I found this most excellent recipe for Christmas Fruit Cake on the web and thought I would pass it on to Bridport Radio members
FRUIT CAKE RECIPE:
One Cup Water
One Cup Sugar
Four Large Eggs
Two Cups of Dried Fruit
One Teaspoon of Baking Soda
One Teaspoon of Salt
One Cup of Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice, Nuts
One Bottle of Whiskey (High Quality)
CHRISTMAS THOUGHT
Santa was unhappy. It was getting late on Christmas Eve and nothing was going right.
Mrs Clause had burned Santa’s favorites – the mince pies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime on Christmas Eve. The reindeer, who were in a festive mood, had been drinking all day and were in poor condition for the long trip that night, and to make matters even worse, they had taken the sleigh for a trial spin and had crashed it. The goblins, in their usual uncooperative way, had said it would take hours to fix it in their workshops.
Santa was furious.“ I can’t believe it !! “ he bellowed “ The one day in the year when I have to deliver presents all over the world and the reindeer are drunk, the elves are about to go strike, and I haven’t even got a Christmas tree yet !!.
TREE TROUBLE
Scandinavians Give Bridport The Finger – The Christmas tree in Bucky Doo square is a standing testement to how the Scandinavians have decided that Bridport is yesterdays town.
After conducting a quick poll in Bridports Bucky Doo Square the main question that needs to be asked is “what did we ever do to the scandinavians” Normally the focal point for Christmas celebrations in Bridport, the traditional christmas tree provided by the herring munchers is, this year, a sad little sprig of a sprog of an apology for a tree. I have had bigger trees in my front room and that’s not easy when you live in a caravan. Imagine the poor little kiddies when they look at this rather non event of a Norwegian spruce. “but where will santa put the pressies” I hear their plaintive cry as I type. “It is so small mummy why don’t the skandys love us any more” and many more pitiful wailing’s about how it just wont be the same with a small badly lit tree. In an exclusive interview Gabrial Wildoak, a renowned local tree surgeon said “If it was a dog I would take a chain saw to it but then again if it was a log I would do the same, do you like my sandals?” With top professionals talking this way could it be that the nutters are right and the end of the world is really nigh? Global warming or just wobbly gloaming we need to be told.
Duck its Poo (our local tree despondent)
Maybe all the good trees have gone to China to combat Bird Flu – Ed
TAKE THE BISCUIT
I was walking along Tannery Road the other day and as I proceeded towards the new tennis courts to watch the kids … Read more…
SUITABLE PRESENT BILL
RIGHT TO A SUITABLE PRESENT BILL 2006
Getting a suitable present for members of your family can be a real nightmare, getting an unsuitable present is usually the outcome, the Government has a new “Right to A Suitable Present” or The RASP bill being pushed through the house of Polomint as I type. Every man, woman and child (except ASBO medal holders, what will get an Holiday) is to be issued with a VAG or Voucher for an Appropriate Gift. You can exchange your VAG at any high street store except WH Smith who say that they have top shelves full of VAG’s and don’t need anymore, thank you.
LOCAL PEERAGES FOR SALE
The titles of Earl of Bucky Doo, The Duchess of Dreadnought and the Lord Skilling will be available to the highest bidder at the Bridport Radio Christmas party – 21nd December '07 . The eligibility for these esteemed offices will determined solely by the quantity of cash supplied in unmarked notes – in the true democratic tradtion of New Labour. Our researchers are currently determining the full extent of the feudal rights associated with these positions – but we believe the first brace of pheasants to arrive in Framptons and the first pint of the new year pulled in the George may well be the hereditary rights of the Earl of Bucky Doo. The Lord Skilling appears to be entitled to the first bud of the hempen harvest – not quite sure what this means but we'll let you know as details become clear. In the meantime, start saving up your fivers – it looks as if bidding may become quiute intense.
LOANS FOR PEERAGES
The Copper investigating the loans for peerages row has uncovered “significant and valuable stuff on them“, reports suggest. Metropolitan police assistant commissioner John Yates has written to MPs saying he expects to pass a file to the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) in January.
Global Warming
Another exclusive from Scoop Doggy Style.
What is Global Warming?
Global warming is basically the Whole World warming up, resulting in Mediterranean type weather being the norm rather than the exception, it’s like The Lord has taken his big whisk and mixed everything up. We asked local man Norm Exception for his comments; “S’bloody great, sod the kids I’m switching on all the lights in the ‘ouse an leavin the telly on standby, where’s my patio ‘eater?”
NO SECRET
In Response to the SECRET MOVIE
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear… I got an email from a guy saying that if I stuck to the rules in some book I could be rich, happy and fulfilled in all ways possible.
…AND ANOTHER THING
Have you found yourself saying “The youth of today have no respect” or “In my day you could catch the train to West Bay, have a slap up fish dinner, three pints of IPA and catch the charabanc home and still have change out of a farthing” Well here’s another feature we’ve revived from the archives that might appeal to you. especially if you are one of the elite Grumpy Old Gits.
JUMPING DEATH
Nocturnal execution of thousands of kangaroos at the Bridport euro abbattoir. I have been awakened every morning at around 4.00 am by rough voices and revving engines and slamming doors. One morning last week I decided to investigate which unfortunate anmal was being delivered to its fate at such an ungodly hour. I leapt from my bed – actually I crawled groaning from my bed, but this was before the teeth, groin accidents, and went slowly down the stairs then I was in the street, directly next to live animal lorry.
NUKE BLAST SHAKES TOWN
A teacup fell off a shelf and was smashed in The Beach & Barnicott just a few minutes after Elvis impersonator Kim IL Sung pushed the button on his nuclear bomb test. Beach & Barnicott owner Tom Gillott said; "I was minding my own business when all of a sudden a mug fell off a shelf and smashed, there goes my profit margin I thought, it was my favourite Teenage Mutant Hero Turtle mug as well, it was an heirloom, I never imagined connecting the two events but when I saw the evening news it all clicked into place, I was smacked in the gob"
HOME IMPROVEMENTS
There are many areas of the town in need of “improvement” perhaps we should apply for planning for some of these:
The Coach Park – is undoubtedly designed to keep tourist scum on their filthy coaches. The derelict buildings, the police station, the prison-like bus depot – it’s all key to giving the impression that in Bridport, you’re more likely to get mugged by a bunch of loitering chavs, than be invited to a private view. That is EXACTLY what we want them to think! In an effort to improve this effect, we should spray slurry over the area twice weekly throughout the summer.
DOUBLE BARRELLED
All this business of taking your partners name when you get married puzzles me. is it legal? I ask because someone I know is … Read more…
CLUNES MOVES
Martin Clunes moves to Beaminster Who gives a monkeys? Go and push the house prices up somewhere else.
THE BAT REVEALED
Regular readers of Bridport Radio will be familiar with the nature of our member The Bats comments. For those of you who … Read more…
BUCKY DOO REVAMP
Great news readers, Bucky Doo is about to undergo a huge redevelopment, entries are invited by the Town Council for any ideas/suggestions for improvements that could be made at the expense of local businesses, all the entries will be scrutinised by a panel of experts and a prize of a large cappucino skinny larty expression has been given by Starbucks who honestly have no interest in muscling in on any small family run cafe in the area, although they suggested painting the square green and white.
MINGERS
A new restaurant is due to open in Bridport called "Mingers". Proprietor A. Provocateur says "I feel the town is in need … Read more…
SMOKE JOKES
We all know it’s a filthy habit, none more so than the smokers but do we have to have these horrific warnings? … Read more…
Bring Back the Monorail
There seems to be considerable public resistance to the proposed Olympic Monorail even to the extent that people would rather see the filthy old diesel locomotives ploughing through the countryside reinstated. which seems ridiculous as the old town monorail that ran from 1876 to 1927 was a model of engineering efficiency, apart from the the “unfortunate incident” of 1906 when the propeller of the 8.50 Railplane from Burton Bradstock got caught in the Carnival Bunting.
PATRON SAINT
What Bridders needs is a Patron Saint. That way not only would be all be watched over and cared for by someone … Read more…
CARNIVAL COMPLAINTS
August 2006 – Waldorf & Stadtler has stepped down as Bridport Radio Mayor in protest at the “shoddy excuse” for a Carnival Procession. He is quoted as saying: “It’s meant to be the show piece, the cream of the crop, but as far as I could see, it was nothing but a 15 minute onslaught of papier-mâché and majorettes!” Waldorf and Stadtler have said they thought that on previous years, the procession has been getting more and more disappointing, but this year it has hit an embarrassing “all time low”.
CARAVAN MAYHEM
It has become apparent in the recent holiday rush on the roads, in particular the A35 between The Travellers Rest at Uploders and the old Frodsham Motors site at Morcombelake, that Chideock and the roads leading into (and out of, of course) could really do with some sort of selective cleansing process in order to free up OUR roads from short sighted arrogant members of The Caravan Club who have travelled the length and breadth of the country in order to cause a bottleneck of traffic around Bridport.